Sitting Still

Like many other humans, I struggle to be still. I find it really fucking hard to not be “on” all the time, and looking for something to do.

Perhaps that’s a side effect of running a business and working for yourself – the boundaries between work and rest are blurred at best – but I don’t know if I’ve ever been any good at it, to be honest.

When I reflect on my twenties thus far (I will be 26 in a matter of weeks, fuck) it has so far been scattered with juggling, studying, stressing about money, finding myself, navigating the beginnings and endings of friendships, making big scary decisions, late nights, lots of tea and establishing boundaries.

I wouldn’t change any of it, as I’ve had a pretty bloody good time overall, but there is a theme of chaos at its core. Self created chaos, mostly. Because I don’t know how to sit still!

Capitalism has brainwashed me good. I assess my value based on my productivity, and my productivity on how much work I did over a number of hours. Even when I’m actively defying it, and consciously leaning into my energy as a Generator, I still experience guilt stories whispering that I should be doing more.

What does more even mean? Fucked if I know.

All I know is this: at the end of the day, work means shit all. What we accomplish work-wise only matters so much. People don’t remember how good of a worker you were when you die. They remember your kindness, your laugh, your spirit, your values. So why is it so easy for us to focus on one and not the other?

I don’t have any answers for you, as I’m still in the thick of it myself, but I can offer you this: loving your work can only get you so far. Being committed to being the best xyz by the time you’re whatever isn’t going to matter as soon as you hit that target. There will always be new goals to reach, to heights to strive for, but if we’re not enjoying the inbetween, on the journey, then what’s the bloody point?

I’m signing off today to write 500 words of my book (a book that I’m writing for the sake of it, to tell a story and hopefully connect) and spend the rest of the afternoon reading someone else’s book. I am defying capitalism, the shoulds, the expectations, the conditioning, and chilling the fuck out (yes, it’s a privilege to be doing this, but this is why I structured my business the way I did. To relax, lol).

I hope that you choose radical stillness today too.

Love, Viv